please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
