I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
