Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
