Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
