I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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