I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
