If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
