Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
