I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize