I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
