is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
