My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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