DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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