Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
