I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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