Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
