so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
