so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
