I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
