We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize