If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
