I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
