Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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