you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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