Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
