I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize