Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
pray to the hookup gods
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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