You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
