What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Randomize
