I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
