if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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