Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize