new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
