New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
