Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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