I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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