Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
