OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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