Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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