So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize