I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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