Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Randomize
