She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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