I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize