I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
