An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
