Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
