I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
