from now on my penis is your penis
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
