today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
