My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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