I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
