In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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