just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize